Lost In A Dream

I’m a Mess.

floatingdream — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:38:47 +0000

I got REALLY really drunk with one of my friends yesterday and was up all night puking with the worst hang over to ever happen to me. It was awful. We had 10 shots of watermelon flavored vodka at 3 in the afternoon and – silly me – I thought I’d be all sobered up and ok to go home by 8 PM. Yeah right! I passed out, did a lot of shit I don’t remember doing, and woke up before 8 PM still drunk as hell, and feeling the start of my hangover. My friend was pretty drunk too, but was much more coherent than I was, so I had him answer my cell phone when my mom called me. She asked him to put me on, and I tried my hardest to muster my most sober voice possible, but it was pointless. I was too far gone to even pretend. My mom knew right away that I was on something. She demanded that I get in a cab and come home (my friend came with me). When I got home she was waiting for me outside. All I remember from that chunk of time was falling out of the cab and my mom and friend carrying me up the block to my building. My mom said I reminded her of Courtney Love at her worst. My hair was a rat’s nest, my makeup was smeared all over my face, I was slurring my words, I could barely stand up on my own, and my eyelids felt like sandbags. I was a mess.

I don’t remember much from last night, considering it took me until this morning to sober up completely. My friend stayed with me for a while until his mom called him and screamed at him over the phone and insisted that he come home. He left, and my mom asked me several questions to try to piece things together in her mind. I really didn’t have much memory of anything (still don’t), except for how much I drank and what I drank. After that, it’s all a blur.

I remember two of my friends having a discussion the other day about how “everybody remembers what happens when they’re drunk, and if they say they don’t they’re lying.” Well I’d like to clarify right now how very WRONG they are! It is very much possible to completely forget and be totally unaware of what you did when you were drunk. Until yesterday, I wasn’t aware it was possible either, but it is. And it’s not a good feeling to not be able to account for an entire day of my life. I don’t know what I did, what I said, or what went on. I woke up this morning with a dozen bruises all over my body and a bloody cut on my thigh. I have no idea how those got there. My friend told me I had slapped him across his face yesterday when he was trying to prop me up. I don’t remember doing that at all. He also said that I had knocked over an entire basket of scented flowers in his bathroom. I don’t even recall being in his bathroom!

I feel so bad and so stupid for some of the shit I did yesterday. I upset my grandma, did a whole lot of crap I don’t remember doing, and made myself feel like death on legs. I had a reason why I was so driven to drink like that, but I’m not going to go into that here. This definitely was not the first time I drank, and I have been drunk several times before, but this was definitely the worst drinking experience I’ve had. The other ones were fun and lively. This was hell from start to finish. I can’t even think of alcohol without getting the urge to throw up again. Ugh. My body feels limp and weak. My stomach feels like there’s a knife going through it. My head feels like it’s spinning. My eyes are fuzzy. I still can’t speak completely straight. I can’t even type fully well and it’s been over 24 hours since I had the vodka.

I guess I deserve it.

-floatingdream

ADHD

floatingdream — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 06:37:24 +0000

Back in April, my therapist told me that I have ADHD. I knew that I had something for quite a while, but I wasn’t sure what. But I knew that something was definitely “up” with me. I felt it. I felt myself unable to concentrate on much of anything no matter how much it interested me, I’m constantly fidgeting and restless unless I’m passed out exhausted, I’d be all excited with new projects I’d start, but I was never able to finish them, I have a bunch of the same item (ex – journals, planners, and notebooks) with 2 things written in each of them scattered and turning into a collection, and that’s only part of it.

My therapist (a psychologist) referred me to a psychiatrist who told me about several different medicines I can take if I want to, but to be honest, I really don’t want to. Just like I have a tendency to space out and day dream and be easily distracted, I also have the ability to be ”hyperfocused” as my therapist calls it. That’s when your mind is so highly locked in and engaged in the task at hand that it’s nearly impossible to tear you away from it. I get moments like those too and they’re always highly productive. Apparently, if I utilize my ability to be hyperfocused to my advantage, I can get ahead.

I’m still trying to work on my relationships with other people, though. Sometimes I find myself so caught up in my own thoughts and my own world that i forget to let other people in. My mother has told me that sometimes I look like I’m here, but I’m a million miles away. I guess I know what she means. I get so easily distracted and my thoughts wander so easily that I forget to pay attention. And then when I decide to make a conscious effort to pay attention, I think so hard about paying attention, that I’m actually still distracted by those thoughts!

(I’ll edit or continue this tomorrow. I’m exhausted.)

Disgusted.

floatingdream — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:14:36 +0000

I just read the news story about that girl who broke into her ex-roommate’s house, trashed the place, and then burned her 2 month old kitten alive in the oven. My heart breaks for that poor kitten, and my blood boils to know that that disgusting excuse for a human being is still walking this Earth. I don’t understand how ANYBODY could look at that helpess, furry little creature and be able to put it in the oven and turn it on full blast. It makes me sick to think that anybody could be so cruel. It’s one thing for her to have a problem with her ex-roommate, but it’s completely another thing for her to take it out on the roommate’s kitten. She should pick on somebody her own size! What a coward!

And then she left the house so she wouldn’t have to hear the kitten’s cries of agony from inside the burning oven. That son of a bitch should be thrown head first into an oven and left to cook like a Thanksgiving turkey. The story said that the kitten was burned so bad that a necropsy had to be performed to determine whether the cat was male or female. That is horrifying and disgusting. She has absolutely no soul and a heart of ice. I hope she gets the maximum sentence. It makes me physically ill that she was let out on custody to her mother. She shouldn’t be allowed to feel temperatures a single degree lower than the temperature that poor, burning kitten had to feel. What a disgusting person.

-floatingdream

Nostalgia

floatingdream — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:02:52 +0000

I’m feeling a bit nostalgic tonight. I recently moved back home from my dorm for the summer and have been re-exploring my room. I was looking out my window at midnight, just like I always used to do before I went to bed back in high school. The view of the black sky lit red from the city lights and the cool, relaxed feeing in my room brought back such a sense of deja vu. Why does deja vu hurt so much sometimes? Tonight it felt like a needle poking my heart.

It brought me back to my favorite high school memories. The guys I obsessed over, the concerts my friends and I went to, the flirting, the sexy teacher I wanted to lock myself in the closet with, the dates, the rock music, the acting troupe I belonged to, the senior I was in love with when I was a sophomore/junior/senior (and our ongoing flirtation), the trips to Washington D.C. and Europe with my best friends, dancing the night away at the prom and then hanging around the city afterwards, and SO much more! I can’t even begin to describe how much I loved my years in high school. They were 4 of the best years of my life! Well, my senior year kinda sucked, actually, but that’s more for personal reasons. I still had tons of amazingly exciting and happily memorable times in high school.

Now I’m looking back, a year or so later, and realizing how much things have changed since I was a freshman in high school 5 years ago. It feels like just yesterday, yet at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. I was so young, pretty naive, and always high on life. My sophomore year was also just as great – maybe even better. But again, it feels like it’s been forever, even though it’s only been a few years. Since those earlier times, I’ve learned a lot about the guy I was in love with – and how he’s not as sweet and loveable as I had imagined him to be. I used to lie awake in bed at night crying over him. Even though I’ve wisened up to his true character, I still can’t help but miss being that naive, happy-go-lucky girl who saw him as being such an amazing person. I’ve also learned a lot about certain people I genuinely trusted and loved and that there is a very definite and prominent dark side to life. And that going through it can make a person stronger.

Sometimes I think knowledge is overrated. In many ways, it’s an asset, but sometimes I think we’re happier when we’re still a little naive and hopeful.

-floatingdream

The Fly.

floatingdream — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 04:18:59 +0000

There’s a fly in my house. It’s fucking huge. I was watching Roseanne with my mom when all of a sudden I hear BUZZZZZZZZZ screaming in my ear. I’m terrified of bugs, so I jumped out of my skin when I saw the size of this sucker. It has to be at leat 2 inches in circumfrence and it’s pitch black with chunky legs. It’s the Queen Latifa of flies. My mom laughed at me as I darted out of her room and into mine like I had a torpedo stuck up my ass. She doesn’t get just how scary bugs can be. I’ve had spiders jump off the ceiling and onto my shirt, bees chase me around the park, ants try to crawl into my shorts, flies follow me from room to room, centipedes crawl under the covers with me, ladybugs curl up next to my head on the pillow, and a roach run after me in my dorm. I’m scarred for life.

Now I’m locked in my room with the lights off and left the fly to buzz around some other part of the house. I hope the little bitch flies into a wall and dies before I wake up. I don’t want to run from room to room locking doors behind me as I get ready for work in the morning. That would be a pain in the neck. I’m sure as hell not risking letting the fly jump out of the shadows and into my face like it did when I went to the bathroom 10 minutes ago! This obnoxiously gross creature likes to add a surprise element to the mix, which I just *love* oh so much. In fact, I think I’ll show my appreciation by smacking it’s wings off its back with a textbook. Hard.

-floatingdream

You Are A Cat.

floatingdream — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 02:37:33 +0000

Beneath all the fuss and curlers and brushes and bobby pins
Through the Fancy Feast cat food served in a sculpted silver dish
And despite the big, fluffy, luxurious look about you….

… You are still a cat.

One made of the same claws and whiskers and insticts
As the cat in the alley
With its tail torn to shreds, purr slightly cracked, and weary eyelids dropping with hunger.

- floatingdream

I Have Arrived.

floatingdream — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:32:54 +0000

Here I am, at yet another blogging website. This must be the fifth one I’ve joined this year! I’ve decided to keep a blog in the hopes of gathering my thoughts into one place, mainly for myself. I hear it’s supposed to be a good form of relaxation and self-realization. That’s what I’m hoping to get out of this. These past couple of years have been pretty hectic and at times I’ve felt like I’ve been strapped into a ring of fire. Writing has always soothed me. Rather than buying yet another journal and writing one entry in it before I fling it aside and buy another one, I’ve decided to keep it cost-free and mess-free and just come here. So I’ll probably ramble a bit, write a lot, complain sometimes, post random things other times, reflect on my thoughts, and share some of my experiences. But right now I’ll just leave it at this because I just want to get that dreaded first post out of the way. I’m never sure how I want to introduce myself or what I want to say in my first post, so I tend to just welcome myself. I don’t like to just start in talking out of nowhere. It’s like telling your life story to a stranger. There should be some sort of rapport established.

But anyway! I’ll write back soon!

-floatingdream